What Is ‘Mum Guilt’? (And Can Dads Get It Too?)

Parenting is rewarding but it's also a super challenging journey that often comes with a heavy dose of self-doubt and guilt. Among the various emotions that parents experience, one particularly prevalent and universal feeling is what has become widely known as "mum guilt." This phenomenon isn't exclusively limited to mums, as dads can also grapple with similar emotions, but it has become recognised as a large part of the parenting experience. In this blog post, we'll explore the concept of mum guilt, its causes, and to what extent dads can feel it too.

What is ‘Mum Guilt’

‘Mum-guilt’, more recognised on the internet as ‘mom-guilt’ (thanks America), refers to the overwhelming sense of guilt or self-criticism that many mums experience in their parenting journey. Any mums reading this might relate to sitting down in the evening or lying awake at night, running over the day’s events and questioning motives, choices and decisions they’ve made and whether or not they have let their child down. This guilt can manifest for a bunch of different reasons, such as:

Work-Life Balance: Many mums struggle to balance their career and family life, leading to guilt over not being able to spend as much time with their children as they would like or not knowing as much as they think they ought to know, about what is happening in their child’s life.

Self-Care: Mums often prioritize their children's needs over their own, feeling guilty when they take time for self-care, rest, or pursuing personal interests. This then often leads to late-night binges of television or social media scrolling to make up for it and ‘feel like a normal adult’. Yet, although now and then this wouldn’t be an issue, if they’re doing it regularly it only compounds the issue by reducing the amount of sleep they’re getting (even more). This is also usually accompanied by late-night snacking which is another edge on that same sword, and definitely not self-care (as much as TikTok will tell us it is)!

Comparisons: Social media and societal pressures can make mothers feel inadequate when comparing themselves to other seemingly "perfect" parents online (see our previous blog post all about this!)

Parenting Choices: Discipline, education, opportunities hobbies and even a kid’s diet can trigger mum guilt when mothers are able to sit and second-guess their choices, yet even if they lack the time they’ll often find the opportunity to sit with their guilt.

Perceived Failures: When things don't go as planned or children face difficulties, mothers may often blame themselves for not doing enough, not preventing, for allowing or maybe even causing such situations. These opinions about their own actions can spiral into a low mood or low self-esteem.

 Can Dads Feel ‘mum guilt’ too?

While mum-guilt is a phrase predominantly used by and associated with mothers, dads are not immune to these same feelings of guilt and self-doubt. They may feel these things in less or different degrees but they feel it nonetheless. Mum’s have such a huge involvement in every aspect of a child’s early life and then, for those who go back to work, there is then the almighty change that comes along with that. In 2023, this is still felt to a greater extent by women than men. Yet, it’s essential to recognize that parenting is a shared responsibility, and both parents can experience similar emotions. Yet, no one seems to be talking about dads at all so I wanted to give them a mention. As a dad, here's what a form of guilt might look or feel like for us :

Work Commitments: Just as mum grapples with balancing work and family, dad may feel just as guilty when their job consistently keeps them away from their children. Since the Covid pandemic, there has been a huge shift in mindset towards work and family life and we are all figuring that out together with many companies working hard to get employees to come back to the office as they are enjoying the flexibility and increased family time ‘working from home’ has brought.

Involvement in Childcare: If dads feel they're not contributing enough to childcare or household responsibilities, they may experience guilt about this and be reluctant to voice their own needs and concerns about anything to make up for it. This might sound like good news to wives and girlfriends😉 but in reality, it’s a breakdown in communication and an alienated partner, which is not good news for any parent. At HBC we run a group dads can get together at with the kids, find out more here.

Quality Time: Just like mum, dads may regret not spending enough quality time with their kids due to busy schedules. They’re miss-prioritising and double booking too, hearing about everthing they’ve missed at the end of the day hurts them just as much.

Parenting Choices: Fathers may second-guess their parenting decisions or feel guilty if they disagree with their partner on certain parenting matters.

Failure to Protect: When their children face challenges or hardships, fathers might blame themselves for not being able to protect them adequately.

Managing Guilt

Whether you're a mum or a dad, talking about and working through guilt is essential for maintaining a healthy and positive parenting experience. Here are some strategies to help manage the ‘guilt cycle’:

Communication: Talk to your partner about your feelings and ask them about theirs (as old fashioned as it is, I think its still true that as a rule, guys are pretty bad at initiating conversations about anyone's feelings!). Sharing your concerns and discussing everyone’s roles and responsibilities can lead to a more balanced and united parenting approach.

Realistic Expectations: Understand that no parent is perfect. It's okay to make mistakes and learn from them. Set realistic goals for yourself.

Prioritise Self-Care: Taking care of yourself is essential for being a better parent. Don't feel guilty about setting aside time for your well-being.

Seek Support: Connect with other parents who may be going through similar experiences. Sharing stories and advice can be reassuring. We have groups for parents and toddlers as well as a group specifically aimed at father figures.

Focus on the Positive: Instead of dwelling only on perceived failures, remember to celebrate your parenting successes and the love you share with your children each day! Even on your worst days there will be something to feel grateful and good about, It might be a small thing but positivity is so important for tired and anxious parents to make the most of.

‘Mum guilt’ is a common but challenging emotion in the parenting world. It's a huge part of motherhood though the feelings are not exclusive to mothers, as fathers can also experience similar moments of guilt and self-doubt. By recognizing these emotions and taking proactive steps to address them, parents can work together for a more balanced and fulfilling parenting journey.

As we navigate the complexities of parenting and the emotions that come with it, it's important to seek guidance from various sources, including (I’d say) the timeless wisdom of spiritual leaders. In this context, the teachings of Jesus on personal forgiveness can actually be quite profound.

Jesus underlined the importance of forgiveness not only towards others but also the need for forgiveness within ourselves. He taught that forgiveness is a path to healing and offers inner peace. When we carry the weight of guilt and self-criticism, it can hinder our ability to be the best parents we can be. Jesus reminds us that we have permission, thanks to Him, to forgive ourselves for our perceived shortcomings and mistakes, in the same way that we forgive others. Jesus has been kind to you so you can be kind to yourself!

Exploring these ideas can be a source of comfort and strength for any parents who grapple with mum guilt (or dad … or ‘any guilt’). It reminds us that the journey of parenthood is one of growth, learning, and, most importantly love. By embracing forgiveness, we can unlock the burden of guilt from around our necks, allowing us to be more present, compassionate, and joyful parents.

So, whether you might check out what Jesus has to say, seek support from fellow parents, or employ practical strategies to overcome guilt, remember that you're not alone on this parenting journey. Embrace wisdom and forgiveness, and we pray it will guide you toward a path of greater peace and fulfilment in your role as a parent

God Bless,