Comparison is the Thief of Joy: How Do I Know The Kind of Life I Want To Live?

In the age of social media, it's easier than ever to fall into the trap of comparison. We don’t mean to or want to, but it’s such a small step from looking at what others are posting and then thinking about what you’re doing or not doing with your own life. We scroll through carefully curated feeds, glimpsing into the lives of others, and often find ourselves measuring our own lives against theirs. It's a natural human tendency, but we don’t have to give in to it. We can find a different standard. When we do, we can then remind ourselves regularly what that is. In this blog post, we'll explore the dangers of comparison and discuss how we can discern the kind of life we want to live by seeking guidance from elsewhere (spoiler alert, we’ll be recommending Jesus’ guidance at some point!).

Comparison: A Common Pitfall

The saying, "Comparison is the thief of joy," holds a profound truth. When we constantly compare our lives to others, we set ourselves up for discontentment and unhappiness. A guy called Paul writes in the bible that "Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else." [google Galatians 6:4 if you are interested in reading more].

You see the problem with comparison is that it distracts us from our unique path, which is the only one we’ll get to walk along. So instead of appreciating the blessings and challenges in our own lives, we become fixated on what others have or haven’t achieved. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, and a misguided pursuit of a life that is not, should not or can not be our own. When I write this it's ‘back to school’ time and the barrage of pictures of smiling happy parents and children, holding little signs up and beaming brightly. I can feel the thoughts and guilt rising in my mind, “Oh I didn’t think of x” “Oh no, we won’t have great photo memories like that family”. The reality is that the conversations and contributions I made minute by minute with my daughter this morning will have a far greater impact than the tiny moments I managed to photograph and will share with those outside of our relationship. The discussion about what she is nervous about whilst I’m trying to figure out plaits and not inflict pain, or the reflection on last year’s successes over a bowl of soggy cereal she takes forever to eat; these are the important things the moments I need to hold in my mind.

Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being proud of your children, photographing them like mad and sharing it with your family and friends. Don’t get me wrong, I'm not bashing social media or anyone taking pride as a parent! But if we’re constantly witnessing the lives of others and it’s negatively affecting the way we view and feel about our own lives and parenting it might be time to think about that a little bit. Is it useful or just making you feel useless? Could it help you improve or is it just making you feel rubbish and less-than?

As a culture, we are becoming wiser to the idea more and more that the ‘Instagram vs. reality’ comparison does not always match up. Yet, what are we doing about it? Do we still fall into the trap of ‘doom scrolling’ away our lives feeding a sense of what our life should look and feel like based on what other people are doing, buying, eating, and playing at. It might be time to think: How is that working out for us? Is it helping us aim our lives in a fulfilling direction?

So, how do we break free from the difficult cycle of comparison and discern the life we truly want to live?

Reflection

Start by seeking guidance through reflection, which might be in journaling or even prayer. Spend time in quiet stillness, listening to your own thoughts rather than the TikTok algorithms or the latest Instagram trends. You might even hear the still small voice of God, I’d bet money on it if you were willing to listen. Unless we find space to listen to the deep wants God gives us for our lives then we will only have time for the influence of others via our conversations and social media. I know this is a blog aimed at families, so this is going to cost us. Time is so precious and time in quiet and stillness feels impossible to find in a house where children live! But it is there somewhere if you’re willing to find it. Do you commute? Could you cut out one evening a week binge-watching Netflix? Could you lock yourself in the bathroom for 10 minutes ?

Focus on Contentment

Embrace the concept of contentment, as outlined by that guy Paul again: "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." [Philippians 4:11-12] Contentment doesn't mean complacency, which is often connected to it nowadays. It’s rather about finding peace and joy in your current season of life while working toward your goals. You can be happy with where you are whilst working towards where you’re aiming to go.

Wisdom and Scripture

I think there’s something magical about reading. Predictably I’d suggest turning to the Bible for some wisdom and inspiration. If you’re new to it, head to the Jesus bit first (New Testament) or the books of Proverbs. The Bible is also filled with stories of individuals who followed God's unique calling for their lives, from Noah and Abraham to Esther and Paul. Study their journeys and the lessons they offer. You can also find people who have lived lives you are interested in and read their autobiographies, to find out how they think (or thought) or even just look up some philosophy quotes you like online maybe, let me kick you off …

“How much trouble he avoids who does not look to see what his neighbor says or does or thinks, but only to what he does himself, that it may be just and pure” - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations.

Seek wise Counsel

If you’re a Christian, this might look like connecting with others in the church who can offer godly counsel and support, hopefully, they’re your friends. If you aren’t a church person then I hope you could still seek wise counsel from your friends and maybe even some church people. Either way, find people who seem to have found genuine contentment and spend time with them. Sometimes, others can see the gifts and potential in us that we might overlook ourselves.

Service and Purpose

Engage in acts of service and purpose that align with your values. Helping others and fulfilling the calling in your life can provide a profound sense of meaning and direction. Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ and he certainly lived a life that was focused on serving others. I think the joy of parenting is representative of this truth, it doesn’t make sense that we enjoy parenting apart from the fact that its a blessing to have input I think into someone else’s (our kids) life. You can have more of this if you find other ways to give of yourself to other people.

Set Personal Goals

It feels a bit ‘worky’ but defining your own personal goals and aspirations based on your values is helpful. Remember that your journey is unique, and it's okay to have goals that differ from others. If you are in a relationship its also nice to have some joint goals to help direct your lives together.

In summary, it’s so unhelpful to have a focus on comparing ourselves to the world around us, even to those very close to us. Instead, we should seek to understand and embrace the unique plan God has for our lives (that’s how I’d say it, you might have your own way). Comparison can steal our joy and divert our attention from what really fulfils us. By seeking stillness (perhaps in prayer), and wise counsel from friends or books, we can begin to find the life we’re made for and find fulfilment in living it out. If you’re a Jesus follower then you can find that life in his example and in remembering that your life is a beautiful and unique expression of God's love and purpose! … and for the record, if you’re not a Jesus follower, he still a pretty interesting person to read about.

I pray you find happiness in escaping comparison!

God Bless