The ‘Art of Positive Discipline’: Effective Strategies to help you guide kids
Discipline is a pretty essential aspect of parenting, you can try and avoid it, but it’s at everyone’s peril to do so and life will quickly become frustrating and chaotic. Having said that, it's also important to approach it in a positive and constructive way. The idea of positive discipline focuses on teaching and guiding children while trying to maintain a strong parent-child connection (not always something that feels achievable but is worth aiming for). In this post, Dazz our Children and Family Pastor (who’s a Parent and Foster Carer) wanted to explore strategies he’s picked up around positive discipline that might help you nurture your child's development and maintain a harmonious family environment (or at least make you feel a bit more like you have a plan!)
Dazz Jones
“I’ve worked with a whole bunch of, all sorts of kids in my professional life. We’ve also fostered a variety of children in our home life and I’ve helped raised one little lady too. She’s about 6 and a half right now and she’s pretty good to be fair so you can read all this with a good grind of salt but I can share what I’ve learned and hopefully, it’s helpful for someone.
Here we go … “
Be Clear and Consistent: This is a big part of all areas of dealing with children (and even adults, I’ve found!) as miscommunication or assumed expectations can be the cause of lots of conflict and unrest in our life, home and work. So, try to establish clear rules and expectations that are age-appropriate and communicated in a positive manner with children ahead of time if possible. For example, you might say “When we get in from school today, we will change out of our uniform and read a book together before we watch any TV or use devices.” Children thrive when they understand what is expected of them. Clearly articulate the boundaries and consequences, ensuring they are fair and reasonable. That way, when the boundary is broken you have something to refer back and keep them accountable to. “Remember what we talked about? Pause the TV please, because we need to read a book/change our clothes etc before you watch any more”.
Encourage Open Communication: Create an environment where open communication is valued. Encourage your child to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns without fear of judgment. Listen actively and validate their emotions, teaching them healthy ways to express themselves. This fosters trust and strengthens your connection with your child. Smartphones can be our worst enemy here, let’s make sure there are times when we’re not looking at it and asking good questions of our kids (top tip: the words ‘Tell me about …’ are your best friend, steer away from yes/no questions if you want to have meaningful chats). Don’t be afraid to kids about your life too; although don’t get upset if they’re not as interested as you might like :)
Use Positive Reinforcement: I’ve learned through Fostering that praise is way more powerful than punishment. If you can reinforce positive behaviour by acknowledging and praising a child's efforts and achievements they will be much more likely to seek more and more praise and find joy in being helpful and constructive. Celebrate their successes, big or small, and offer specific praise to reinforce positive actions. If you find little to praise them about or you are always nagging and complaining at them then prioritise creating opportunities (big or small) to be able to say ‘well done’ or ‘that was really helpful, thanks’. It’s really useful to tell kids how it makes you feel when they do something good, phrases like “it makes me feel very proud to see you doing… ” or “thank you for doing…, that’s made me feel happy” will help them to understand that their behaviour impacts other people (a very important life skill !). Positive reinforcement motivates children to continue doing the stuff we want them to do and helps build their self-confidence as individuals who can make their way in the world. This might seem a bit ‘keen’ or ‘over the top’ but it’s amazing what consistent, small wins can achieve over the long haul.
Practice Natural Consequences: Allowing children to experience natural consequences can be a really powerful learning opportunity. If they never experience a consequence, then pushing the boundaries will only ever be a little bit exciting and you will always play the role of ‘party pooper’. If children can experience consequences that you have warned them about they might start to realise that you actually have a bit of wisdom they can learn from. So when appropriate, let them face the consequences of their actions in a safe and controlled manner; This might include something like having to look for their lost toy if they haven’t put them away properly, as you asked them to; but try to avoid saying “I told you so” as good as it might feel! Having to deal with consequences can help kids understand the impact of their choices and encourages personal responsibility. Most children will need help to reflect on how the consequence is/was a result of their behaviour and this is helpful to do when they are calm, so it might be worth revisiting any instances later on to help them grasp what happened and why, rather trying to help them understand at the time.
Teach Problem-Solving Skills: Empower your child to solve problems and make decisions by involving them in the process. Encourage critical thinking, brainstorming solutions, and evaluating potential outcomes together. This cultivates their problem-solving skills, autonomy, and accountability. You can do this by asking questions rather than giving them answers or solutions. This is something I’m pretty bad at (maybe it’s a man thing or maybe it’s some kind of saviour complex!) but when things stop working and my daughter wants me to come and ‘fix it’ I have started to try to ask things like “what have you already tried?” and “what else could you try?” before running in to save the day.
Put Time-In after Time-Out: We had to be careful with children we fostered and approached ‘sanctions’ on a child-by-child basis but with our own daughter we used ‘time-out’ to deal with any, let’s say: ‘undesirable behaviour’. I often found it was the bit afterwards that seemed most important when things had sort of calmed down and we could actually talk to each other. Important to note that when kids are really small there is only so much you can ‘achieve’ but I guess the goal in general is for them to understand that what they did was ‘upsetting for someone/you’, that they need to try to ‘not do it again’ and understand what will happen if they do. Kids often get very upset about being separated from everyone else (though they probably couldn’t don’t understand that this is what’s upsetting them.) so time out is a helpful and safe way for them to learn that their behaviour can have a negative effect on their relationships, but its really important that they also learn that making amends afterwards is the important part of the process.
Model Positive Behaviour: Children learn by observing their parents' actions. Be a positive role model by demonstrating the behaviour you expect from your child. Show them kindness, respect, and patience. try to model good communication and problem-solving skills, and apologize when you make mistakes. Kids pay way more attention to what you do than what you say and the ‘do as I say not as I do’ attitude will never work long-term with children. If we’re not tidying up our own mess or spending too much time on our devices, requests like “Why don’t you tidy up your toys?” or “Why don’t you get off the tablet?” will soon go in one ear and out the other.
Take a Restorative Approach: When conflicts arise, emphasize understanding and restoration as much or more than any punishment. Encourage your child to take responsibility for their actions and guide them in making amends when necessary. You could ask them to come up with ideas of things they could do to ‘make it right’ and help them to make these realistic and achievable. Teach them the importance of empathy, forgiveness, and repairing relationships by helping them to do it.
‘Positive discipline’ is a powerful approach to guiding and nurturing kids’ development. By setting clear expectations, encouraging open communication, using praise, allowing natural consequences, teaching problem-solving skills, putting time-in after time-out, modelling positive behaviour, and encouraging ‘making amends’, you can create a more loving and respectful family dynamic. Try these ideas, maybe not all at once, and I hope something is helpful in strengthening your relationship with the kids in your life and supporting their growth into responsible and compassionate young people!
God Bless,
Dazz J